An Open Letter to Tila Tequila
. . . Or, Please Come Back to VH1, Honey!
Dear Tila Tequila,
We heart you. And we have hearted you for a long time. Sometimes it seems like we have hearted you forever, but then we remember that we hadn’t even heard of MySpace until 2005, and we are saddened both by the relative brevity of our acquaintance and how long it took us to become hip to the ways of the Internets. But we digress.
You are a musician, an actress, a bon-vivant in a bikini. You have induced us to join fan communities, reconsider our stance on the use of flammable materials in undergarments, and even purchase a “Hot Issue” of Rolling Stone -- when Fergie was on the cover! (Can you imagine?) Sometimes there seems to be no limit to your pop-culture prowess, your tractor-beam-like allure. The word, we believe, is inexorable.
Now you’re on MTV.
It wasn’t always that way.
We want you to come back to VH1. Come home, Tila. Come home.
We know that your show, A Shot at Love With Tila Tequila, began life on VH1, or at least that’s what your publicist wrote in a press release we received earlier this year. Now it will premiere on MTV. This news angers us.
Is it because we are militant members of right-wing Christian groups? No. Is it because your show, a bisexual reality dating show, is the first of its kind, a groundbreaking polysexual polyglot wherein many fit specimens of gym-bred humanity compete for your affections? Partially. But mainly we are upset because we know MTV. We’ve watched MTV. We’ve lived MTV. And we know that MTV will not treat you right. You are a delicate flower. MTV is a bulldozer made of broken glass, shattered teeth, and the sweat off R. Kelly’s . . . er, brow. You see where we’re going with this.
Tila, you belong on VH1. You need to be on VH1. VH1 is the home of love connections and soulmate-seekers. It’s television’s matchmaking yenta mother. It’s where Flavor Flav met Brigitte Nielsen. We know that didn’t pan out very well, but Flav has had a few more shots since then, and doesn’t everyone deserve a few more shots?
We know you do.
In the interest of full disclosure, we should explain that we, the people behind this Web-based plea, are workers at VH1 Digital. The television executives and titans of our company, who sit dozens of floors above our heads, know nothing of our campaign. Our superiors at VH1.com have not entirely condoned our plan, either. For these reasons, we can't guarantee space for you on our channel. We are fairly certain, however, that we can collaborate in an online project that will expose you to our millions of users.
What might this project be?
We are not sure. We know only that we'll position you in the best possible light. We will capture your boundless energy and curiosity, your Kerouac-ian exuberance for life, your multiple artistic talents, and, of course, the ways in which you flick your hair, the way you purse your lips, the way you smile, the way you wiggle, the way you giggle. This is what we can do for you. This is what we have to offer.
We plead. We implore. We entreat. Come back to VH1 before you find yourself in over your head. VH1 needs you. And you need it.
Jon Durbin & Matt Muro
P.S. Tila, have your people e-mail us at email@example.com.
Recent Blog Posts
A Shot of Love: Episode 4 Recap
Dear Tila Tequila, Last night you took us on a journey. A journey to a fantasmagoric place, or, more literally, to the Hollywood hills, where you and your brethren mounted tableaux of “Heaven” and “Hell” to titillate your house guests and home-viewing audience.
Continue reading our episode 4 recap at the VH1 Blog.
A Shot of Love: Episode 2 Recap
Tila, sweeheart. You have broken our hearts. MTV treats you like a tarted up piece of rotting flank steak slathered in lipgloss and tottering on stripper heels, and you don't seem to care. Haven't you noticed? How long will you turn the other cheek? When will you come to VH1?
Full recap at the VH1 Blog.
A Shot of Love : Premiere Recap Oh, Tila, it is as we feared. There are fundamental flaws with A Shot of Love. But before we delve into the nitty-gritty, we'd like to point out the positive: You are a radiant and sophisticated presence on screen and your physical beauty is simply unparalleled. We know of no other star who has the ability to exude sex and innocence and worldy wit - all at the same time. As for the production itself ...
Tila Tequila Seduces MTV Oh, Tila. You are the queen of the Internets, the Maharani of MySpace, the raison d’etre behind MTV’s most gripping program since Johnny Knoxville unwisely lit out for the brighter (?) lights of B-movie tripe. You have won our hearts, our souls, and, more recently, our eyeballs.